I am going to speak on being alone, which can be found in my book.
My thought, the thought, for any mental illness is the concern of being alone.
If this is the first time you have felt an impact of your illness, or going through the never ending cycles of your mental illness, there is a point of loneliness. I know this is true because it has happened to me, and my peers.
I talk about this in my book, Mott’s Mind.
You, the person who has been told they have a mental illness, is thrown in to a room, the door locked, and the key thrown away for all eternity. You were left behind, there are no others, only you. You find yourself alone forever.
An analogy to solitary confinement would only be a beginning of an analogy used as a comparison.
You are alone with only your thought. You have been thrown away, an unwanted outcast. You are self-aware of being nothing, yet voices run through your mind.
Multiple conversations are mingled together that talk for days, unending. The mind will haves times of complete silence too. The longer the silence continues and no interaction with the mind, becomes as severe as an eternity of conversations talking that you listen to.
In my mind, the only resolution to stop the voices is termination. To stop the silence, you do not want to exist. You yearn for an identity.
You have the fear of going before the master, be it a higher level entity or the one you idolize the most, where you hear the words, “I tell you, I do not know where you come. Depart from me.”
These are not thoughts of suicide, an act of ending your life due to circumstances that you feel are too pressuring to overcome. I am focusing on a matter of no identity or characteristics to demonstrate you have a life of your own.
Another mindset for being alone is that of being in a womb. While you are going through the evolutions to create human life, but not complete. You become suspended, the same way a non-completed painting is put on the shelf for tens of years, or an unfinished doll puppet hanging on your workshop wall since grandpa died. You are trapped, incapable of doing anything for yourself.
Along comes a painter who sees you sitting on the shelf, wipes you clean and finishes the work of art. A grand painting you have become. Your son, born with the gift of craftsmanship, like your grandfather, takes the doll from the workshop wall, blows off the dust and completes the work your grandfather started. You are now a prized possession, kept with your family’s finest china.
When you are finished, you are born to also be a prized possession. You are complete with all toes and fingers. Yet sometimes, you are not considered anything special, you are a liability.
That can also be true with the grand painting, it is not liked in today’s society and is thrown in the trash, headed towards the dump. The prized doll is auctioned off with everything in the china closet deemed to be made inferior in respect to the finest china made only for royalty. And you, where your family says, “It would have been better for him if he had never been born”. These are all negative feelings, robbing you from self-esteem and self-respect. It’s a devastating feeling of loneliness.
Can your belief system accept one of these descriptions? Is there an understanding that makes sense to you? If so, say to that scenario, “Get over it”, “just snap out of it”, “you’re lazy, go to work”. Do you believe any of such statements have meaning to what I described? Can you communicate with someone who has no idea of who they are? Can you expect an immediate response? Can you vision an immediate recovery?
I have sat beside an individual where the realization of his illness has become so strong his equilibrium, his balance of emotions, failed him. He literally falls over from sitting in a chair. It appears he has fainted, resulting in hitting the floor. He has not. He has no symptoms of suddenly becoming unconscious. It is the realization that he has such an illness and the impact is so emotionally strong he has lost control over an involuntary action. He knows he hasn’t fainted and is offended by attempting to be treated as such. He asks to be taken home, regardless of the distance, the event being attended and the importance it was to the person or family volunteering to take him home? He can only think about himself and how others are judging him. He would rather be alone, physically and with his thoughts.
When I was a peer worker, I had 3 new clients to meet. When I looked at their addresses they were very close to each other. It was an apartment complex where all 3 were in the same building, all facing the south.
I knocked on the first door and met a gentleman. He said he was alone, no one would be able to understand his situation. We had a good visit. It was just two doors down to see the next client. She too said she was alone, a lonely person that no one could understand. I told her that was interesting as I met a man living two doors down who was also alone. We, too, had a good visit. I went two more doors down to meet my third client. She told me she was alone. I told her she was the hatrick, the third person in 5 apartments who was all alone. It was a phenomenal coincidence. She smoked and so did I. We decided to sit out at the picnic table and talk. My lighter was in my car but when I passed my 2nd client, I remember she smoked too. I knocked on her door and asked if I could get a lite. She gave me a lite and asked what I was doing. I told her I found a person who was all alone, no one would understand her, you probably would though. She decided she would come out and have a smoke too. Now I had 2 people, who were previously completely alone with their thoughts, with me.
I saw the curtain open, ever so little, to the 1st apartment. Somebody was watching us, obviously the person, the 1st person I met that day, alone with thoughts. I asked him to join us, and to my surprise he did! They talked and talked. I don’t think they ever realized I left.
As a peer worker, your job description includes lowering your census count, which means I am trying to work myself out of a job. A few weeks after my visits I learned that Sunday evening was their Taco Night. Was I ever invited? No. It was a great feeling of accomplishment, people reaching their first step in recovery.
We,in NAMI, like to use the motto of “You are not alone.” But it takes a commitment of investing in these individuals. “When you are in recovery, you are not alone”.
These are thoughts I share in my book.
Thank you.
No comments:
Post a Comment